{"title":"Home page","description":null,"products":[{"product_id":"freshman-class-of-old-age™-starter-kit-welcome-to-the-second-draft","title":"Freshman Class of Old Age Starter Kit : Welcome to the Second Draft","description":"\u003cdiv style=\"background: #1a2340; padding: 36px 32px 32px; border-bottom: 3px solid #b8922a; margin-bottom: 0;\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv style=\"font-family: 'Libre Baskerville', serif; font-size: 11px; letter-spacing: 0.3em; text-transform: uppercase; color: #b8922a; margin-bottom: 16px;\"\u003eThe gift they didn't know they were waiting for. Until it arrived.\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv style=\"font-family: 'Playfair Display', serif; font-size: clamp(26px, 5vw, 42px); font-weight: bold; color: #ffffff; line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 18px;\"\u003eFinally. A Birthday Gift\u003cbr\u003eWorth Giving.\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv style=\"font-family: 'EB Garamond', serif; font-size: 18px; color: rgba(255,255,255,0.75); font-style: italic; line-height: 1.6;\"\u003eFunnier than a card. More honest than a bottle of wine.\u003cbr\u003eSomething they'll actually keep.\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cmeta charset=\"UTF-8\"\u003e \u003cmeta name=\"viewport\" content=\"width=device-width, initial-scale=1.0\"\u003e\u003clink href=\"https:\/\/fonts.googleapis.com\/css2?family=Playfair+Display:ital,wght@0,400;0,600;0,700;1,400;1,600\u0026amp;family=EB+Garamond:ital,wght@0,400;0,500;1,400\u0026amp;family=Libre+Baskerville:ital,wght@0,400;0,700;1,400\u0026amp;display=swap\" rel=\"stylesheet\"\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cstyle\u003e\n  *, *::before, *::after { box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0; padding: 0; }\n  :root {\n    --navy: #1a2340;\n    --gold: #b8922a;\n    --gold-light: #d4aa4a;\n    --cream: #f5f0e8;\n    --cream-dark: #ede5d4;\n    --ink: #2c2416;\n    --ink-light: #5a4e3a;\n    --ink-muted: #8a7a62;\n    --rule: #c8b98a;\n    --red: #8b2020;\n  }\n  body {\n    background: var(--cream);\n    color: var(--ink);\n    font-family: 'EB Garamond', Georgia, serif;\n    font-size: 17px;\n    line-height: 1.75;\n    min-height: 100vh;\n  }\n  .masthead {\n    background: var(--navy);\n    text-align: center;\n    padding: 48px 24px 40px;\n    border-bottom: 3px solid var(--gold);\n    position: relative;\n    overflow: hidden;\n  }\n  .masthead::before {\n    content: '';\n    position: absolute;\n    inset: 0;\n    background: repeating-linear-gradient(0deg, transparent, transparent 40px, rgba(184,146,42,0.04) 40px, rgba(184,146,42,0.04) 41px);\n  }\n  .oau-wordmark {\n    font-family: 'Libre Baskerville', serif;\n    font-size: 11px;\n    letter-spacing: .35em;\n    text-transform: uppercase;\n    color: var(--gold);\n    margin-bottom: 14px;\n    position: relative;\n  }\n  .masthead h1 {\n    font-family: 'Playfair Display', serif;\n    font-size: clamp(30px, 6vw, 52px);\n    font-weight: 700;\n    color: #fff;\n    line-height: 1.1;\n    position: relative;\n  }\n  .masthead h1 em { font-style: italic; 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text-decoration: none; }\n\u003c\/style\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"masthead\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"oau-wordmark\"\u003eOld Age University · Est. 2026\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003ch1\u003eThe Welcome \u003cem\u003ePacket\u003c\/em\u003e\n\u003c\/h1\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"masthead-sub\"\u003eThe Orientation You Never Got for the Second Half\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"price-badge\"\u003e$47 · Everything Included\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"page\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"not-a-card\" style=\"margin-top: 44px;\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"lead-hook\" style=\"margin-bottom: 20px;\"\u003eThey walk to the mailbox.\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"body-copy\"\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBetween the electric bill and a credit card offer, there's a large cream envelope. Heavy. Official-looking. Return address:\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv style=\"font-family: 'Libre Baskerville', serif; font-size: 13px; font-weight: bold; color: var(--navy); letter-spacing: 0.08em; padding: 10px 16px; background: var(--cream); border-left: 3px solid var(--gold); display: inline-block; margin-bottom: 16px;\"\u003eOffice of Admissions — Old Age University\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"body-copy\"\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThey weren't expecting it. They didn't apply. But their name is on the front.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThey open it standing in the driveway.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eInside: an acceptance letter. A diploma. A course catalog with classes like \u003cstrong\u003eOAU 211: The Thermostat Is Not a Democracy\u003c\/strong\u003e and \u003cstrong\u003eOAU 101: Why'd I Walk in the Room.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThey laugh. Then they read it again. Then they call someone and read it out loud.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"reveal\" style=\"margin-bottom: 0;\"\u003e\"This is the funniest thing anyone has ever given me.\"\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"who-block\" style=\"margin-top: 24px;\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"wh-title\"\u003eWho is this for?\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cul class=\"who-list\"\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eThe friend hitting 50, 55, or 60\u003c\/strong\u003e — who is handling it well and would appreciate someone finally naming it\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eThe person retiring\u003c\/strong\u003e — who built everything they were supposed to build and is quietly wondering what's next\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eThe parent, the sibling, the coworker\u003c\/strong\u003e — who you want to make laugh at something true\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cstrong\u003eAnyone who crossed the line\u003c\/strong\u003e — from oldest young person to youngest old one — and didn't get a map\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"not-a-card\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"nac-title\"\u003eWhy this beats a card\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cp style=\"color: var(--ink-light); font-size: 15px;\"\u003eA card gets read once and recycled. This gets read out loud to whoever is nearby — and then kept on the desk.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"compare-grid\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"compare-col bad\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"col-label\"\u003eA birthday card\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eGeneric\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eRead once, recycled\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eSays nothing real\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eForgotten by Tuesday\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"compare-col good\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"col-label\"\u003eThe OAU Packet\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003ePersonalized, looks official\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eRead out loud to the room\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eMore accurate than it should be\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eKept on the desk\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003chr class=\"rule\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"lead\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"eyebrow\"\u003eThe Packet\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"lead-hook\"\u003eThere's a moment when you realize you're \u003cem\u003ethe youngest old person\u003c\/em\u003e in the room. Nobody warned you it was coming.\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"body-copy\"\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWe all cross it — the invisible line where you stop being the oldest young person and become the youngest old one. \u003cstrong\u003eThe Freshman Class of Old Age.\u003c\/strong\u003e That's where the toughest questions live. The ones nobody prepared you for. The changes nobody named.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"reveal\"\u003eThere was no orientation. \u003cstrong\u003eUntil now.\u003c\/strong\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"body-copy\"\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eOld Age University is a premium gift packet that arrives looking completely official, reads like someone has been quietly watching your person's life, and delivers the orientation they should have received — funny, honest, and more accurate than anything they've read about this part.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003ePersonalized with their name and major at checkout.\u003c\/strong\u003e Printed on heavyweight cream paper. Shipped in an OAU envelope.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv style=\"margin-top: 32px;\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"eyebrow\"\u003eWhat's Inside\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"inside-grid\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"inside-item\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"item-title\"\u003eOfficial Acceptance Letter\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"item-desc\"\u003ePersonalized with their name and major. Cream paper. Signed by the Chancellor.\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"inside-item\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"item-title\"\u003eDiploma of Completion\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"item-desc\"\u003eCertifying completion of the First Half of Life. In blue award folder.\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"inside-item\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"item-title\"\u003e15-Course Academic Catalog\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"item-desc\"\u003e\n\u003cem\u003eYour Doctor Is Younger Than Your Car. Why'd I Walk in the Room.\u003c\/em\u003e All required. None can be dropped.\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"inside-item\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"item-title\"\u003eOrientation Trifold\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"item-desc\"\u003eCampus dining, transportation, financial aid. All accurate. None reassuring.\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"inside-item\" style=\"grid-column: 1 \/ -1;\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"item-title\"\u003eThe Realization\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"item-desc\"\u003eThat this is all… pretty accurate. Included free.\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"callout\"\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"Looking fine while feeling lost is one of the loneliest places a person can be.\"\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"The body isn't breaking down. It's just started talking.\"\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"Some doors didn't just close. They were painted over.\"\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv style=\"margin-top: 48px; padding: 40px 28px; background: #1a2340; border-radius: 12px; color: #f5f0e8;\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv style=\"font-family: 'Libre Baskerville', serif; font-size: 10px; letter-spacing: 0.25em; text-transform: uppercase; color: #b8922a; margin-bottom: 16px;\"\u003eBonus — Included Free\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv style=\"font-family: 'Playfair Display', serif; font-size: 28px; font-weight: bold; color: #ffffff; line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 6px;\"\u003eThe Guidance \u003cem style=\"font-style: italic; color: #d4aa4a;\"\u003eCounselor\u003c\/em\u003e Letter\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv style=\"font-family: 'EB Garamond', serif; font-style: italic; font-size: 17px; color: #d4aa4a; margin-bottom: 24px;\"\u003ePersonal. Specific. Uncomfortably accurate.\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv style=\"font-family: 'Libre Baskerville', serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.75; color: rgba(255,255,255,0.75); margin-bottom: 28px;\"\u003eEvery freshman gets assigned a Guidance Counselor. Tell us what your person is going through — and we'll write them a personal letter from the \u003cstrong style=\"color: #ffffff;\"\u003eOAU Office of Guidance \u0026amp; Unclear Futures\u003c\/strong\u003e that speaks directly to their situation.\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv style=\"background: rgba(198,163,80,0.08); border: 1px solid rgba(198,163,80,0.2); border-radius: 10px; padding: 24px 24px 12px; margin-bottom: 28px;\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv style=\"font-family: 'Libre Baskerville', serif; font-size: 10px; letter-spacing: 0.25em; text-transform: uppercase; color: #b8922a; margin-bottom: 18px;\"\u003eHow It Works\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv style=\"display: flex; align-items: flex-start; gap: 12px; margin-bottom: 14px;\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv style=\"flex-shrink: 0; width: 26px; height: 26px; border-radius: 50%; background: rgba(198,163,80,0.15); color: #b8922a; font-size: 12px; font-weight: 600; display: flex; align-items: center; justify-content: center; font-family: 'Libre Baskerville', serif;\"\u003e1\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv style=\"font-family: 'Libre Baskerville', serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.6; color: rgba(255,255,255,0.75); padding-top: 2px;\"\u003e\n\u003cstrong style=\"color: #ffffff;\"\u003eAdd to cart\u003c\/strong\u003e and go to checkout\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv style=\"display: flex; align-items: flex-start; gap: 12px; margin-bottom: 14px;\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv style=\"flex-shrink: 0; width: 26px; height: 26px; border-radius: 50%; background: rgba(198,163,80,0.15); color: #b8922a; font-size: 12px; font-weight: 600; display: flex; align-items: center; justify-content: center; font-family: 'Libre Baskerville', serif;\"\u003e2\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv style=\"font-family: 'Libre Baskerville', serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.6; color: rgba(255,255,255,0.75); padding-top: 2px;\"\u003eIn the \u003cstrong style=\"color: #ffffff;\"\u003eOrder Notes\u003c\/strong\u003e section, tell us about your person\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv style=\"display: flex; align-items: flex-start; gap: 12px; margin-bottom: 14px;\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv style=\"flex-shrink: 0; width: 26px; height: 26px; border-radius: 50%; background: rgba(198,163,80,0.15); color: #b8922a; font-size: 12px; font-weight: 600; display: flex; align-items: center; justify-content: center; font-family: 'Libre Baskerville', serif;\"\u003e3\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv style=\"font-family: 'Libre Baskerville', serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.6; color: rgba(255,255,255,0.75); padding-top: 2px;\"\u003eWe write them a \u003cstrong style=\"color: #ffffff;\"\u003ecustom Guidance Counselor letter\u003c\/strong\u003e that goes right in their packet\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv style=\"display: inline-block; background: rgba(198,163,80,0.12); border: 1px solid rgba(198,163,80,0.3); color: #b8922a; font-family: 'Libre Baskerville', serif; font-size: 11px; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: 0.15em; text-transform: uppercase; padding: 6px 16px; border-radius: 20px;\"\u003e✦ Included free with every packet\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv style=\"margin-top: 48px;\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"eyebrow\"\u003eFrequently Asked Questions\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"faq-item\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"faq-question\"\u003eIs this a real university?\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"body-copy\"\u003e\n\u003cp style=\"margin-bottom: 0;\"\u003eNo. Old Age University is a humor and wisdom project created by comedian John Heffron. There are no classes, no tuition, and no campus.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"faq-item\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"faq-question\"\u003eWhat exactly do they receive?\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"body-copy\"\u003e\n\u003cp style=\"margin-bottom: 0;\"\u003eA personalized acceptance letter, a diploma certifying completion of the First Half of Life, an official 15-course catalog, and an orientation trifold — all in an oversized admissions envelope.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"faq-item\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"faq-question\"\u003eCan I send it directly to someone as a gift?\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"body-copy\"\u003e\n\u003cp style=\"margin-bottom: 0;\"\u003eYes. At checkout, enter their shipping address and add their name in the order notes. We personalize everything and ship it straight to their door.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"faq-item\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"faq-question\"\u003eHow long does shipping take?\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"body-copy\"\u003e\n\u003cp style=\"margin-bottom: 0;\"\u003eOrders ship Monday through Wednesday. Most packets arrive within 5–7 business days.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"faq-item\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"faq-question\"\u003eWhat if they don't think it's funny?\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"body-copy\"\u003e\n\u003cp style=\"margin-bottom: 0;\"\u003eThen they haven't hit that part of life yet. Give it time. The packet will be waiting.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003chr class=\"rule\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"book-upsell-block\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"book-pill\"\u003eIncluded — Book + Packet\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"book-title\"\u003eFreshman Class of Old Age — The Book\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe book that started all of this. 66 chapters. No homework. No self-help. Just John Heffron sitting next to you, pointing at things nobody else is naming.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eIncluded with every packet.\u003c\/strong\u003e One price. Letter, diploma, catalog, Guidance Counselor letter, \u003cem\u003eand\u003c\/em\u003e the book they'll actually read.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"book-checkout-note\"\u003e→ All in for $47. Free personalization.\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"fulfillment-block\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"fb-title\"\u003eA note on orders\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI'm a one-person operation. I'm on the road doing stand-up most weekends, so \u003cstrong\u003eorders are packed and shipped Monday through Wednesday.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eEvery packet is handled personally. If you order Thursday or later, it ships the following Monday. You'll get a confirmation when it's on its way.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eQuestions?\u003c\/strong\u003e Reach me at oldageuniversity.com. I read everything.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"cta-block\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"cta-line\"\u003eFunnier than a card. More honest than a bottle of wine.\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"cta-sub\"\u003eSomething they'll actually keep.\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"cta-buttons\"\u003e\n\u003ca href=\"#\" class=\"cta-btn\"\u003eAdd to Cart — $47\u003c\/a\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"cta-note\"\u003ePersonalized at checkout · Ships Mon–Wed · Arrives in an OAU envelope\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv class=\"footer\"\u003e\n\u003ca href=\"http:\/\/oldageuniversity.com\"\u003eoldageuniversity.com\u003c\/a\u003e · OAU is an equal-opportunity aging institution · Enrollment is automatic\u003c\/div\u003e","brand":"Old Age University Store","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":51653941100864,"sku":null,"price":57.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0979\/6373\/7408\/files\/IMG_1343.heic?v=1775500610"}],"url":"https:\/\/oldageuniversity.myshopify.com\/collections\/frontpage.oembed","provider":"Old Age University Store","version":"1.0","type":"link"}